I hurt every single day knowing that my dad is alive and he doesn’t talk to me or see me and it’s fucked up but if he were dead I would be in pain that he died but I don’t think it will be this slow strong pain every day it’s like what pain is worst

I hate seeing him and him rushing to leave it’s like it’s a burden to see me or talk to me I rather just not see him at all I wish he wouldn’t pretend or “try” so it could just be no hope and it could be more clear that would be easier to come to terms with every time I see him I feel horrible after I just don’t want to see him I wish he would just go away and be deadbeat

I wish he wasn’t sick so I don’t have to feel like he has an excuse to not see me or talk to me and I won’t feel some remorse I wish I could just hate him when I think about him dying I either feel pain that he couldn’t live to his potential and had to endure so much pain and I feel pain that I stopped knowing him and talking to him and that he stopped being in my life or I feel guilty and terrible when I get the feeling of it being better if he was dead and then I just feel worst again it’s a cycle I don’t want him to die and I wish he could live forever and he could get better and stop being sick and he would see me and talk to me and love me

he used to be the greatest person in my life and the person I looked up to the most the person I had the most love for and then he completely switched I hate it when he tells me i’m a bad daughter and when he says things to make me feel bad I don’t know what I did I don’t know why he is the way he is I just want to hate him and I want to forget how he used to be so it could be easy to hate him

I don’t wish these feelings on anyone

I wish I could be relieved of this I wish everything was better and easier and felt good

I realized I have been comfortable pretending and being around things I don’t really resonate with because if I am real and raw and I am around things I actually really care about I am vulnerable. by pretending, I only get hurt on that superficial layer but it’s no real pain. but when I am vulnerable there’s no other layer it’s just me and it’s real pain. I am also scared to fuck up things I really care about, that is pain too and probably worst pain than being hurt by the outside. the reason I started being this way is because I felt both types of pains when I was raw. I went through real depression and then I was numb. i was hurt. no part of me died, i just guarded myself with a fake layer like a blanket. my real self was not getting touched again. but this is no way to live. it’s very unfulfilling empty and lonely. I feel ready to be vulnerable again and I feel fearless. I am ready for what’s meant for me. and I feel stronger and confident that I will be able to handle anything.

my family is so fucking trash I am really blessed and guided by a higher power to be who I am despite the shit I deal with and I am so proud of myself